The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
