remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
