The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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