I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
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I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
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Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?