So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.