Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.