My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.