I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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