There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
