I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
