maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
