How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
