just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
