i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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