I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Sorry about my life...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
