Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
