I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
worst night to have a conscience
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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