life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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