Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
