On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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