call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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