I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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