The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
