The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
