1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
