do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
