I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
