guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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