i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
