I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
