Only a mothe r could love this liver
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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