you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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