Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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