eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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