My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Someone signed my nipple.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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