I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
