When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
