I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Randomize
