A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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