wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
