I swear she didn't look like that last week.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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