Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
