I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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