you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
