Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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