I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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