sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
So many bounce houses so little time
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
