I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
