I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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