Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
