Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
