i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
