After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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