i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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