my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
