I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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