So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
