My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
PANTIES FOUND
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