He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
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I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
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You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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