you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
