I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
