mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
